The impact of loss and grief on children and young people

Loss is an unavoidable part of life. The grief that comes with loss can be an emotional and a traumatic experience. Every person will experience and process grief and loss differently.

Loss and grief can have a negative impact on the mind and the body. Experience and research show us that it can affect the whole body and its organs. It can include many physical symptoms such as chest pain, headaches and muscle pain. It can also affect the brain in many ways such as: changes in memory, behaviour, sleep, and body function, and the ability to think or make decisions.

It’s important to keep these symptoms in mind when working with and supporting children and young people.

Loss and grief can leave the individual feeling unsafe and disconnected from the self and the world.

Here are a few things to be mindful of when supporting children and young people to feel safer and more connected in relationship to themselves and to others:

• Awareness and understanding: everyone will respond to loss differently. Some may experience depression, memory loss, change in behaviour, physical symptoms, addictions.
• Holding space: when you hold space for someone, you create a space we’re they feel safe to share their most vulnerable self/s and feelings.

Holding space tips:

1. Practice active listening
2. Don’t jump to problem solving or advice-giving mode
3. Try and keep your own experiences and issues separate from the conversation
4. Try and stay open to whatever emotions come up
5. If you can’t hold space for someone, make that clear and take time and reassure them that you are “holding them in mind
6. Protect your energy, get back into nature for example or practice some self-soothing or self-care for yourself.

• Safety: be consistent, follow through with what you say. Safe and consistent connections can offer people a sense of belonging, which is super important for individuals who have experienced loss.
• Routine: routine is akin to a heartbeat, the rhythm of life. When an individual can experience a safe and consistent routine this can offer a feedback loop to the body reminding them that ‘they’re connected and safe’.
• Movement: we hold traumatic experiences in the body. Finding safe and gentle ways to support the body to gently release some of this energy can support a sense of felt safety (see benefits of rebounding below).

Rebounding benefits (jumping up and down or on a trampoline):

1. Great for mood, helps reduce anxiety quickly (jumping up and down on the spot can also do the trick)
2. Supports with nervous system regulation
3. Releases “Hope Molecules” = Better Mood
4. Aids lymphatic system which helps remove toxins, waste from the body
5. Promotes feelings of joy, for kids and adults, supports regulation and co- regulation and connection.

• Nutrition: meeting an individual’s primitive needs of food and water can offer a sense of safety.
• Nature: the healing power of nature, sunlight and fresh air can support grounding and recovery.
• Expression: sometimes it’s easier to suppress feelings than express them.  Expression can help release suppressed and stuck emotions. Find safe ways to support individuals to express, having access to creative materials such as colours, movies, stories, music can really help.
• Relationships and connection: try to engage in something together that feels tolerable for the individual, or simply being present or close by can offer a sense of belonging and connection.

“Relationships that foster a sense of belonging create relationships that make a difference” Lisa Cherry

As humans we are built to be in relation with another. The first relationship and bond we see is between the mother and child. So, when one loses connection or relationship with the mother or indeed another key attachment figure, the wounding can feel like death to some. This loss of safety and connection can feel overwhelming and create strong feelings of grief and loss.  To help an individual heal and feel safe again in relation to others we require safe and consistent connections: ‘relational trauma requires relational healing’.

Patience: it can take time to process grief and loss so having patience, understanding and acceptance of this, is key to supporting safety and recovery.

Continuing bonds: based on the theory ‘Continuing bonds’ from Klass, Silverman and Nickman. This is where you support the individual to make a new relationship with the person who they have lost. This could include talking to a photo of the person, writing a letter to them or finding a ritual such as lighting a candle, going to their favourite place, to think about them or talk to them. Please note there are also other models of grief that may support your practice. Please refer to the reference list below.

Ritual: Ritual can be a very powerful healing medium. It can offer a safe container for feelings to be projected onto.

Tips for rituals practice:

1. Choose an object that holds some significant – this may be something like a picture or item that belonged to the person or a reminder of the person
2. Find a safe and important place to keep this object- the object is special and important and should be given such attention
3. Find a repetitive movement or word that goes along with this object, movement can be soothing and help with expressing and processing
4. Interact with the object, anything you may what to say to the object or do with the object
5. Close and repeat.

An example of rituals practice:

1. Choose an object: a candle
2. Find a safe and important place to keep this object: on the window in the kitchen
3. Find a repetitive movement or word that goes along with this object: light the candle every morning and reflect on the person lost, sending some words or energy to them.
4. Interact with the object: feel the heat of the candle and see the light
5. Close and repeat: blow the candle out and relight it the next morning.

“The expectation that we can be immersed in suffering and loss daily and not be touched by it is as unrealistic as walking through water and not getting wet” – Dr Ramen

Signs of compassion fatigue (or vicarious trauma):

• Experiencing lingering feelings of anger, rage and sadness about child/young person’s victimisation
• Becoming overly involved emotionally with the child/young person
• Being preoccupied with thoughts of child/young person outside of the work situation
• Over identification (having horror and rescue fantasies)
• Loss of hope, pessimism, cynicism
• Distancing, numbing, detachment, cutting patients off, staying busy. Avoiding listening to the child/young person’s story of traumatic experiences
• Difficulty in maintaining professional boundaries, such as overextending self (trying to do more than is in the role to help)

Self-care tips and ways to prevent or reduce compassion fatigue (or vicarious trauma):

• Increase your self-observation – recognise and chart your signs of stress and burnout.
• Take care of yourself emotionally – engage in relaxing and self-soothing activities, nurture self-care.
• Be realistic about what you can accomplish – avoid wishful thinking.
• Don’t take on responsibility for your child/young persons’ wellbeing but supply them with tools to look after themselves.
• Seek social support from colleagues, family members.
• Use peer support and opportunities to debrief.
• Take up training opportunities.
• If you need it, take up well-being support, group or individual therapy.

Trauma Informed Consultancy Services Ltd (ticservicesltd.com)

The four models of grief (factsheet from www.compass-uk.org)

Vicarious trauma: signs and strategies for coping (bma.org.uk)

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk 

The power of rituals to heal grief (Psychology Today)

Grief rituals by Christopher Guider, MA, LMHC